last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
time to smoke my breakfast
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
