The maid of honor just puked.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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