this boner is exhausting
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
