It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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