you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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