I am in a vortex of obligation.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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