miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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