i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
