you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
