vagina is talking i cant
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
