ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
