True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Terrible idea I love it
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
