My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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