Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
