I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
