A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
