girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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