The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i love accidental penises.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
