Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
