Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
