Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You're like the curious george of whores
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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