Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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