Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
