It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
