Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
And then he peed in my hair
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