Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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