is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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