Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize