What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
