I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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