Swine flu. Run for my life!
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
