and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
