I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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