He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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