I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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