I think I died a long time ago.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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