Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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