i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
