i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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