did you get engaged???
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
