Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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