my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
cat food counts as protein by the way
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
