There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
