She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
