I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
