he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
