okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So apparently I’m into choking now
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