I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
