I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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