That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
how drunk are you?
Several
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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