I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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