I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
