I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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