i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
