last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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