Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
