we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
