It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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