I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
