I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
