I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
