Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
