First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
