why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
