Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
