Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize