i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
