I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
my shit smells like andre
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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