Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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