she peed on how many people?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
