He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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