Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
